I blew it!
There, I said it. I blew up my life.
My pattern is to live my life by repressing, repressing, repressing. Shove down my anger, ignore my needs, turn away from the vulnerable places. Then after years of doing this, I blow up.
At least this time, I didn’t land myself in the psych ward. I just got really sick for two weeks.
Why am I sharing this? Because maybe, just maybe, you’re a little like me, and in the drive to get ahead, to BE SOMEBODY, you’ve lost yourself.
In this culture of masculine, active, put-it-out-there, never-stop-even-if-it-kills-you energy, we hope that if we just beat ourselves into submission, run the perfectionism program, and keep working ourselves into the ground, we will somehow achieve success.
Act like a man, look like a woman, and never let ’em see you cry. I got the message early on that to be a woman was shameful and that your only value was in looking good and maybe in being really, really smart. So look good and be smart I did. And in addition I built up this WALL. The wall of I Will Not Feel. The wall of I Will Not Cry (at least not in front of anyone). The wall of I Will Suck It Up. The wall of I Will Not Let You In. The wall of I Will Not Let You Hurt Me.
I vowed to be strong and impenetrable in body and spirit, so there would be no way that I could be tossed aside as a weak woman. Do you see how strength training and lifting weights plays into this for me?
I don’t subscribe to all the new age mumbo jumbo, but I do find the concept of masculine/feminine energy useful. Or you can think of it as active/receptive energy.
We all have some of both. Depending on our personality, we lean one way or the other.
Balance is a myth. There are seasons to be active, forward moving, giving, and out-in-the-world. There are times to rest, receive, do nothing, and hole up in a cave somewhere.
The problem comes when we incessantly function from only one of these polarities.
So, what’s the take home for all of us insanely driven women? Yeah, that’s right—STOP IT!!
Sink down into the sensual, the divine feminine energy, your dancing roots, your soul connection, your breath, find the kundalini again. Connect the hips to the belly, to the heart. Let the mind and the logic rest. (Don’t worry it will be waiting for you when you come back.)
- Dance as spiritual practice: belly dancing, hooping, pole dancing anyone?
- Restorative movement, play
- Time alone
- Breathe! (let your belly get really big on the inhale)
- Stand under the stars (preferably naked and preferably under the full moon) legs and arms wide, head thrown back. I have done this in my undies and I live in town and have close neighbors. Try it. It will make you feel feminine AND powerful.
- Make priority number one YOU. This is not selfish. This is necessary. Because I’m experiencing the consequences of what happens when you don’t. Marriage falls apart, children fall apart, and you–kinda fall apart.
- Stop doing so much for everybody else. Seriously, they’ll be fine without you!
- Enjoy and prioritize your sexuality (whether that’s between you and you, or you and somebody else)
For the next couple of months, I will be focusing on all of the above.
If you’ve been out there in the world, if you need some respite, some of that juicy, swirly wild woman-ness, some fun, some sexy, some sensual, sacred, divine, feminine energy. Come join me.
Learn a little belly dance, a little letting go, and a little whatever other fun things pop up.
Trust me, I’m not giving up strength training. I just need to put some focus on the “softer” side for awhile. Fill the creative well, nourish the divine feminine energy in my soul.
Let the RAAAWR masculine energy rest (for now). Let down the walls, the unnecessary protective armor, the lies, the half-truths about who I am.
Here I am world. And I am unabashedly Sexy. Strong. Vulnerable. Powerful. Open. Wild. Tweet This!
Move into your Sacred Sensuality.
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